1. IN IT
I’m hanging my head over the small black trashcan that I use to catch the vomit. All I can think about is getting rid of it. I’ve already dumped some of what I’ve hurled into the toilet to flush away. This is the worst part. Getting rid of ALL of it. The end. There is no more eating. No more tasting food except the regurgitated shit I’ve eaten before mixed with bile and stomach acid. I’ve frenzied my way through so much food I cannot possibly let any of it stay in me. There is no telling how many calories that could possibly be. I couldn’t stop. The binge part is easier. This is hell. My eyes are bloodshot and bulging. My face is red and swollen. I hang my head as I drool hoping for my stomach to automatically force the food out of me. I chew on a straw to flatten it out and force it down my throat. I gag and retch more. The straws sharp edges poke my tender, raw esophagus. I hurl, now into the toilet, until I cannot anymore. Finally I decide that it’s over. I’m exhausted, ashamed, disconnected, swollen… I brush my teeth without looking in the mirror. I cannot look myself in the eye. I wash my face and crawl into bed, disgusted with myself. Not knowing when it will end. Tomorrow I have to face another day.
APRIL 2000
FOUR HOURS EARLIER:
JOURNAL ENTRY THAT WAS SENT TO ED, MY THERAPIST
Aww fuck. OK I may go into it. I may not. I’m battling in between. I’ve been really good today… according to my standards of caloric intake and exercise.
I’m munching on Baked Lays and those are usually OK, however I have some other stuff here to munch on and if I go there then I don’t think that I will like myself for eating it. Right now it feels like a calorie thing… it is sometimes like this, sometimes not. I’ve been around a lot of people lately. Sometimes that is so stressful that I turn to bingeing and purging. I don’t know yet if it’s about not having done it in a couple days or trying to escape being around people and being so affected by them. Now I am eating some of the ham and cheese sandwich that I got at circle K. I took off the bread to feel better but I don’t think that will last… now I feel even worse cuz I’m eating the other half, sans most of the bread. But, I’m almost challenging me to do this just so I can do this (Write about it and dig deeper into it)… before I was thinking that I wanted to eat and not think about it and escape… me… then I thought better, that I was afraid that I didn’t want to have to write about it. Now I’m sad cuz I am writing about it… as I take another bite… this sucks. I want more. I don’t want to want more. This has been a vague click over. More thought processes going on… not such a sudden click only because that can’t happen if I’m writing about it. I don’t feel good about it and it slows me down but I don’t think it’s bad enough to stop me yet. I hate this though. I hate this. Another couple Baked Lays… it’s adding up. I hate this. Now I feel I need to do a full on go-out-and-get- something-cheap-to-binge-on… I hate sharing this. I feel exposed. I’ve said that before. I feel like I’ve disappointed… me/you/the world. I’m such a good person without this… I know that’s not true but I felt it just now. I feel bad. Tears stream down my face without my even crying. I hate this. My throat feels like it will explode with the pressure. I don’t want to go there but I feel that I already have… I eat another chip just to check. Hand to mouth. Comfort in crunching. That sounds so silly. It’s 10:49PM. I think logically that I have until 4PM tomorrow for my next call time for this film I’m doing light stunt work on and I can sleep in and be OK to be a little puffy eyed cuz I have time for it to get un puffy. Three more Baked Lays… I don’t even feel so guilty about the Baked Lays… I feel guilty about my life. Now that just kinda came out of no where but I don’t know exactly what I mean by it but I had to write it down just in case I found later to understand it… why should I ever feel guilty about my life? Logically and even spiritually I can grasp some of that but I don’t get it. I don’t exactly want to ignore it but I don’t know what it means, if it means anything. It just popped in my head. Well, now that I’ve attempted to think that all out so logically and pretty… let’s get back to this… fuck, I don’t want to get back to this. So much easier not to… ham and cheese, Baked Lays. I’ve got egg whites and… what else… I don’t want to think of it… I want to go to a fast food place and order a lot of bad, bad food and bring it back and eat it all. That makes me cry. I don’t want to taste it and feel the process of taking it out of me. GOD I HATE THIS. I’m doing it so it will help me. I hate it. I still don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to leave from here cuz then I will go do this and I will feel so disgusting that I did this and that I am not such a good person because I’m doing this… fuck I don’t want to look at this. Now that I’m looking at myself I so don’t want to look at myself going to a fast food place and getting food. I feel stuck. Stuck with food inside me… stuck. I’m counting… I’m counting can I not purge and feel OK. Can I not purge and not weigh 150 pounds tomorrow morning. I know that is unreal, however I want to LOSE weight for this upcoming film. I feel that I’m failing at that. I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know. I only know that I would have to have help and that doesn’t feel too good to know cuz I don’t have anyone to help me. It would be a 24/7 kind of job and I don’t know anyone with that kind of time, let alone… me. What do I do? I don’t know. I don’t know. I wanna get rid of what’s inside me. That makes me cry really badly. I want it to be not a part of me. It is separate from me… food, even cannot be a part of me. I hate digestion. It means that food has become a part of me. During the day this is not a factor in my life… I eat healthy and I know that I need nutrition in my life and food to nourish… protein every three hours, carbs, proteins, fats, exercise etc. etc… in the night I want them to feel separate from me. The food. Leave me alone. Go away. I eat the food and I don’t want to go to bed without having something in my stomach however I want so badly to be separate from it. I want it to leave my body. I don’t want to have to throw up. I just want it gone. I don’t know any other way to get rid of it.
I’m gonna send this now so I don’t go over it too much and think about it. These are my thoughts, organically now.
--LoriDawn
APRIL, 2000
ED, MY THERAPIST’S RESPONSE
I know this was difficult for you. Thank you for risking and letting me in. Interesting how the process leads to information. So much to process. Hope you were able to rest through the rest of the night. LoriDawn an important step, I am humbled by your courage.
Love,
Ed
The first part of my book is a bit raw and may be difficult to read, but it is the truth. It was my truth and I was disgusted with myself. I understand that it was a coping mechanism for me at the time... looking back. I'm just so thankful that I don't have to endure those things any more.
Please let me know if I can be of any help to any person out there... I am here.
